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Wednesday, November 20, 2013

On "burning out"

If you scroll back a few posts to see my old-school logging tactics you will find that I test like a maniac most of the time and try so so hard (most of the time) to stay under 200, even after food intake. Furthermore, I try really hard to remain stably in the low 100s overnight and not let breakfast kick my ass too much... In addition, I track my cycle religiously and think I have figured out how to adjust reasonably to the week 4 insulin resistance. 

Having said this, I also have a life. It is filled with stress and love and unforseen circumstances and many other things. It is more important to me than my diabetes management but also I know that (on some level[s]) my life will suck proportionately with how much my D care sucks. And sometimes regardless of all my efforts, I really feel that my D care sucks. 

When I see consistent 200s almost all day it makes me want to scream. Not only that, but sometimes it makes me just want to stop trying. Because sometimes it seems that no matter how hard I try and how diligent I am I will still fail. 

Among many, I have 2 great flaws: I am impatient as all hell and also I am inconsistent. I am inconsistent in my procrastination, in my diligence, in many things. Combine that with impatience (and a little too much self-critisism) and you have one serious case of all over the place (especially when it comes to D management). 

My endo appointment is in 3 weeks. I have not seen him since February. I feel like a failure because I know my A1C isn't where it "should" be. It is where it is and it is definitely my fault. At least that's how I feel about it right now...


  1. duh, you know full well it's not any ONE thing and although we blame ourselves we also have to live our lives right?
    I think you and I are really similar in our micro management and procrastination.