Obsessing...

Sometimes I really don’t want to think about Diabetes anymore. I would really like to just enjoy my life like a “normal person”. My management has been OK – certainly not great but certainly not horrendous. I’ll have blood drawn in about 6 weeks and I am hoping to make further improvements by then. I am not logging. But I am being diligent. But not obsessive. I’m just so over thinking about Diabetes ALL THE TIME. Honestly – I feel like I deserve better quality of life than that. My eating is good – meaning that I am eating things that I pretty much know what they will do to my BG, which makes it relatively easy (at least a lot easier than say Chinese food takeout or beer and pizza). I am thinking about having kids still – in fact I spent the weekend reading a baby book – not necessary because pregnancy is imminent but just because I would rather know about all the fun and gory details ahead of time (Aside: when I read about postpartum lactation during sex/orgasms, white wine shot out of my nose – it was that unexpected and really really funny). I will not spend my pregnancy (whenever it happens) obsessing. I repeat – I will NOT spend it obsessing. I am a hypochondriac. You’ve heard about the skin rash of the summer (I obsessed and it was nothing!) – now you will hear about my foot (hint: I obsessed and it was nothing). In a stupid effort to prevent my muddy dog from running into the house, I raised my bare foot to stop her from entering, but she just plowed right into it – with her teeth (poor thing) – leaving two nasty teeth imprints/blood blisters on the bottom of my foot :/ Of course I spent a good amount of time obsessing (e.g. reading up on dry gangrene and diabetes due to the blackish color of the blisters, which is of course normal). Of course my foot healed completely in the textbook time of 3 weeks it takes for a blood blister to dry up and peel off (gross). But yeah – I checked it – every day, multiple times (driving my husband up the wall I think). As a PWD I am primed to suspect bad stuff (teeth, feet, skin, you-name-it). Being a scientist in the biomedical field, exaggerates that further I think. But I am definitely over the threshold of “healthy obsession” (I think it’s normal to be concerned if you have a foot injury and diabetes, and make sure that it does not get infected and is healing properly, etc.) and into the “full on crazy obsession" (e.g. I have a blister on my foot so of course it’s going to get infected and not heal properly and of course I will face the horrible complications). NOT healthy. Speaking of complications from diabetes, I hate thinking about it, but I also somewhat feel like it’s inevitable. Which is a stupid thing to think because I don’t know that. I don’t know and no one does – YDMV. Then again, perhaps the unhealthy obsessions are just a result of guilt for not being “perfect” or working as hard as possible all the time to manage this disease the way I *should. I have a feeling others may have felt this way too at times.

Anyway – I am still trying to find a balance that encompasses diligent self-care and living the life I want to live without sweating the small stuff (but being honest and responsible) about my health.