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Wednesday, November 20, 2013

On "burning out"

If you scroll back a few posts to see my old-school logging tactics you will find that I test like a maniac most of the time and try so so hard (most of the time) to stay under 200, even after food intake. Furthermore, I try really hard to remain stably in the low 100s overnight and not let breakfast kick my ass too much... In addition, I track my cycle religiously and think I have figured out how to adjust reasonably to the week 4 insulin resistance. 

Having said this, I also have a life. It is filled with stress and love and unforseen circumstances and many other things. It is more important to me than my diabetes management but also I know that (on some level[s]) my life will suck proportionately with how much my D care sucks. And sometimes regardless of all my efforts, I really feel that my D care sucks. 

When I see consistent 200s almost all day it makes me want to scream. Not only that, but sometimes it makes me just want to stop trying. Because sometimes it seems that no matter how hard I try and how diligent I am I will still fail. 


Among many, I have 2 great flaws: I am impatient as all hell and also I am inconsistent. I am inconsistent in my procrastination, in my diligence, in many things. Combine that with impatience (and a little too much self-critisism) and you have one serious case of all over the place (especially when it comes to D management). 

My endo appointment is in 3 weeks. I have not seen him since February. I feel like a failure because I know my A1C isn't where it "should" be. It is where it is and it is definitely my fault. At least that's how I feel about it right now...

Monday, November 11, 2013

we're ONE but we're not the same...

first off all due credit goes to Johnny Cash for the title of this post..

Also, here is a relevant quote by Hermann Hesse: "as human beings, we can understand one another... but one man can interpret himself to himself only..."

What can I say? - Diabetes is just like that... type 1, type 2, you name it. it wreaks havoc.. some ~5.5 years ago I started treating my type 1 diabetes and some short time after that I started a pharmacy job where the pharmacist himself had type 2. At fist when I met him, he said - "welcome to the club". I thought it was a stupid sentiment at first and didn't want to be recognized for having diabetes. Later I realized that it was OK and that we had a lot in common. At the time, I had excellent A1Cs and honestly thought that he was nuts for not doing the same. It took me months to realize that fear that comes with the lows of diabetes and the lack of control. Today, almost 6 years later, I understand what he meant when he complained about 300s followed by 50s. Back then (if only for a short time of a year or two after starting treatment) I thought Diabetes was fucking cake. How wrong I was. And at the same time, the T2 pharmacist really rode the extremes (which happens)... But while sometimes we may suck at understanding one another, let us try to do that, and more (much more) importantly - understand ourselves (or do the best we can at least)....

gracias y con mucho amor como simepre <3

-Maria