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Tuesday, March 3, 2015

diabetes burnout vs. general burnout

I realized that in my last post I alluded to some life events that made my "D care suffer". It made me wonder whether I was just making up excuses for not dealing with Diabetes the way I *should recently. The truth is when your A1C jumps up almost two points to it's highest ever after dx, one must admit to herself that "something's up!". I admit it- something is up. I guess something about being 8 years in all of the sudden makes you realize that it's forever and care less. I DO care, I care a lot, of course I care! But just exactly WHY did my D-care suffer so much? Because I realized that's it's forever and felt apathetic (THEREFORE prioritizing other things in life over D-care)? Because (as my endo kindly put it) "I'm in a transition period in my life"? Because I just am sick of it (by it I mean worrying about lows at all)? I admitted to my endo that one of my worst fears is being "low-stupid" at work. He attempted to help me through this, blah blah blah. Sometimes we just get sick of it (you know?) Sometimes I want to just get shit-faced drunk, eat a ton of carbs and not worry about it. And sometimes I do. The trouble is (I think) when "sometimes" becomes "most times". This is my official admittance of being both self-negligent and apathetic (more than) recently. This is my official admittance that I need some fucking help. Also, knowing that I (I!) am in charge here (in my life) places all the responsibility on me (which can lead to more apathetic and self-negligent behavior). This may sound pretty depressing (even for me), but it's just something I am working through. It's transient. Changeable. Non-conforming. It's controllable, changeable, malleable. Not permanent. Because nothing is. Diabetes burnout, general burnout - a bit of both? It will not always be here.

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