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Wednesday, May 14, 2014

#Dblog week: What brings me down

I haven't written in a month and a half, as life has been crazy, mostly in a good way. At the start of April I traveled to San Diego for a few days for a conference and caught up with my mom, which was fun. While there I received unexpected email for a job interview, a refreshing change of events after months of looking. This was for a 2-yr postdoctoral research position at a state university nearby, and I am both shocked and thrilled to report that I landed the job on the spot. This event set off a chain reaction of quickly finishing experiments and throwing together my dissertation. Currently, I am scheduled to defend my Ph.D. in less than two months, and start the new job at the end of July.

Of course, these are not the things that bring me down. These are all great (life-changing?) events, and I am both excited and terrified to tackle the heavy work-load for the next 1.5 months at the end of which will (hopefully, almost most-definitely) be my Ph.D., and a new job awaiting (one that will pay almost twice what I'm used to). What brings me down is the negativity that Diabetes sometimes casts over these exciting events. When I am at the Zoo and feel like total shit because the traveling and greasy food spiked my BG into the 300s. When I see an average on my BG meter that I don't want to admit is true. When I feel like summer-time BBQs and beer drinking should make me feel guilty. When I think about my future with my husband (which I would like to include children, many perhaps) I am excited, but at the same time Diabetes management ("poor" management in particular) casts a fearful shadow over what should only be happy thoughts. It makes me sad that I can't seem to have 100% enjoyment, because Diabetes is almost always (somewhere) on my mind when I think about my future.

At the same time, I have to remind myself that I am more that just a girl with Type 1 Diabetes. I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, a puppy momma, a researcher, a friend. I'm Maria. I am not just a disease, and I will not let this aspect of who I am take over. On the other hand, I cannot ignore it or it will take over. These days I find myself looking for this balance more than ever, and I am sure (especially after reading some other Dblogs from the DOC this week) that I am not alone in this. Thank you all for being there.

<3 MM

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