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Friday, June 21, 2013

The Struggle

Currently my 7-day blood glucose average is 199 and my 14-day blood glucose average is 194.

It's not that I'm not trying - in  fact I KNOW I am because in the last 30 days I have tested my blood sugar level 460 times. 460 TIMES. My 30-day average? (you guessed it!) 199.

It's not that I'm not trying - it's that I'm terrified of lows. But in moments when I allow myself to think about that scary word ("complications") my struggle with my inability to maintain steady numbers in the low 100's (instead of steady numbers in the high 100s) stings a lot more than the ever-powerful fear of the low that will  may leave me incapacitated or worse...

I know that I (almost always) have strongly felt the lows (pretty much as soon as I hit 80 I feel like I'm ready to pass out), so realistically, knowing that information (along with the fact that I test so much and am anal about triple checking for safe [read: slightly and sometimes not-so-slightly high] night-time levels) I should feel empowered and confident in trying to aim as close to normal at all times as (super)-humanly possible... nevertheless - all I feel is a dread when I'm 90 that it will drop at the slightest thought of any physical or mental effort and leave me feeling like total shit. sigh.

Nevertheless, I am committed to (any kind of) improvement. I will start by patting myself on the back for like zero lows this month (lowest was 82 I believe) and for firmly staying out of the high 200s and above. At least my high (199) average represents something that is not 30-500 in range, but likely something that's typically between 170-220... also, almost of my tests are post-prandial so I'd like to think that fasting levels aren't as bad as it seems, but the truth is I'm probably in denial and it is in fact as bad as it seems, because even though numbers may be "just numbers" I think they can speak volumes... especially given the sample size of 460...

What does not help the issue is that I tend to be a kind of all-or-nothing person. I set goals that are difficult to reach and I go for them, but in fact if things don't seem to be going my way 100% I tend to feel discouraged and unaccomplished. If I set a goal of a 30-day average of 120, I'm sure I may even come close to that (armed with Dexcom and extra strips of course), but I'd probably feel worn out the next month and rebound to 250...

I don't know how to work day by day and see a slow shift in my average and feel accomplished. I do hope that I can learn to do that, because it seems that it may be the only way to fight this battle. I need to feel somewhat normal throughout the course of the day and extreme highs and lows prevent that greatly, and I know that hour-by-hour efforts (even if more time-consuming) will reflect positively on my feelings in the moment and in the future.... We'll see what happens, I'll keep trying, I'll try harder, Try not to let fear get in my way so much, although it's easier said than done...

1 comment:

  1. I test an insane amount also.
    I found it interesting to read this because I am the opposite of you. I'm terrified of HIGHS and so I'm constantly over-correcting and over-bolusing. I will always choose to be low over high so it gets justified in my head.

    we have the same problem, just on opposite ends of the spectrum :)