Today's entry is feeling heavy-hearted but necessary...
I am as of now 27. Years old that is, and not a BG value ;)
And I really want to have a baby (there is a more than good chance I will try to conceive in the next year) Also, my last A1C was 8.6%. Up almost two point from the last 6.8% I had.. This afternoon, I have had a craft beer (7% ABV) + 1 Bud Lite so please bear with me. I recognize that my alcohol use is having detrimental effects on my BG control and I am no longer afraid to state that. Sometimes, it feels good to have a few drinks and forget about diabetes. Sometimes, it's OK. But certainly not when you're trying to prove to yourself that you can maintain long-term stable and "good" BGs (along with, of course, complete abstinence from things like alcohol, etc.) Don't worry - I am physically and mentally capable of not using alcohol or any other drugs, that has been established (I am familiar with addiction and I am familiar with bad habits, and thankfully this is the latter). Although bad habits can be hard to break. Recently, I had to admit to myself that the reason for this particular "bad habit" is a strong desire to neglect my Diabetes management (please don't judge), because life has just been too damn overwhelming. Couple that with a desire to reproduce (and not seeing/knowing clearly what all of that is going to look like and the self-doubt of - "can I do this, do I deserve this, bla bla bla") has left me feeling a little messy in my head to say the least. 27. Its weird fucking age. A part of me still feels 17. Another part sees my 30-year old sister-in-law (who became a mom this year) and I feel like I am being pulled into two opposite directions - work-hard, play-hard grad student/ postdoc vs. responsible, "well-balanced" (whatever that means) adult/soon-to-be mother..
In my "defense" (not that I need to "defend" myself to anyone, except myself perhaps) I have been on a crazy 7+ year journey with not only Type 1 Diabetes, but living abroad, shaping/growing a marriage, obtaining my Ph.D., becoming a mom to three puppies (and a couple of cats), getting a post-grad job, maintaining post-grad job, thinking about future, (oh, yeah - and the diabetes management, cause of course!)
Things change, that's how it rolls - I know that. A year ago today I was not thinking about having children. I was ecstatic about landing a job, busy writing my damn thesis, and not at all concerned with reproduction. And things have changed a lot since then.. I know that in one week, month, year, whatever, things may be very different. The thing NOW though is that I'm terrified: terrified of pregnancy, complications, my own "inadequacies". (Sidenote: although I know some of you guys on FB/IRL/both/whatever, having this blog be semi-anonymous - as in at lest my employers won't know it's mine - allows me to not even hesitate to express my true emotions and deepest of secrets - it has become my therapy and for that I'm grateful.) Back to the point: today, I re-read Kerri's early posts before she TTC('d), etc. I was really happy to feel that others go through this too - as in the doubt and fear and lack of accountability. Am I ready to become more accountable? Am I ready to face my fears and be accountable for the highs? I think so. Clearly, I am ready to admit to you, dear DOC,that I have been struggling in some ways and that I want things to change.
I did read Ginger's Diabetes Burnout book last month, and it was very helpful- I highly recommend it. The combination of the whole "I didn't do perfectly this week, so fuck it all" along with the sentiment's expressed on Kerri's blog about accountability for more than a week or two have really struck a chord with me. I need to go easier on myself a little and not feel like a total failure for lack of (the elusive) "perfect" control.
The truth is that I know that I'm perfectly capable of diligently managing D into submission. I have had A1Cs in the low sixes so I know I can do it! The scary past is hearing the friends/sister-in-law's comment of "Hey - let's be pregnant together!" Sounds so exciting, right? - but there's diabetes for me, and they don't have that hanging over their heads!! So when I think about the realities of not only being pregnant, but having to hear about close ones' "normal" pregnancies, I frankly feel like throwing up ;( However, I know that they will be supportive and understanding if I open up about the difficulties of pregnancy with T1 (and although I'm sure I will, that's a challenge in itself for me, on top of everything, because in my life with diabetes, as I was diagnosed in my very late teens, I have always felt like proving to everyone that I can do anything, and diabetes "doesn't affect anything", "I can do anything")...
TRUTH: Diabetes affects EVERYTHING.
BUT: I CAN do anything :)
Sorry for the rant, as I said it was necessary and I feel better now - love ya'll ;)
P.S. Stay tuned <3